DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire