3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.