3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund