To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
This is the one
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can