*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”