3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic