3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on