3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Day 2 of my diet
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
So the ex texted me
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.