3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Where’s my employee discount too?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*