3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.