@TheTweetOfGod: 30 And to his followers he said, "Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they'll never get to see me in concert."
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@Blarebare: The pet groomer didn't appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the "happy ending".
@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
@MelvinofYork: My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.