@TheTweetOfGod: 30 And to his followers he said, "Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they'll never get to see me in concert."
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@DurtMcHurtt: Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
@WstonesOxfordSt: BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
@LeonHWolf: How do you explain this gap in your resume? "I was in jail." Okay. Sure you weren't working for Trump's campaign? "Swear to God. Jail."