I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
i meant to share this earlier
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.