@TheTweetOfGod: 30 And to his followers he said, "Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they'll never get to see me in concert."
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@Elizasoul80: Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that'll make you sweat. Me: *applies for a loan*
@Matt_The_1st: Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
@OtherDanOBrien: DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
@KevinFarzad: Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people's houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed