30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.