30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
just witnessed a drug deal
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?