@novicefather: [glances toward living room stenographer] "Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago." stenographer: I promise not to get mad

@zakagan: Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED? Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

@chicnlil1: Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

@Dan_Haak: [Dog Court] Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy. *dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

@Adar79Angie: I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.