30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life