30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
That’s easy for you to say
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.