@ohthatbadger: 30% of Satan's workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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@dannyboy7813: First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
@MrsGoose69: Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge? 5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff...
@Brettagher: Daughter: What's a warehouse? Me: It's a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon. Daughter: Wow. Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
@aparnapkin: "Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."