30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You Might Also Like
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions