Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
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I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.