30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king