“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
You Might Also Like
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead