<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
2 years later
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS