Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Stonehinge
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent