Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
You Might Also Like
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste