drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The Friday File.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The Assassin.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.