33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Cardio Made Easy
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.