35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
At least he brought enough for everyone
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Fights fire with marshmallows
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My blood type is b hungry.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.