@undeadmolly: 35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.
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@just1fool: I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I'd say I'm a success compared to that.
@Dog_Marriage: Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
@SteveSuckington: The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date] HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy. *i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*