36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?