3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I occasionally drink every single night.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.