3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Practicing safe sax
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth