(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”