3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis