3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.