If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You Might Also Like
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
when dads have a rap battle
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
You can’t rush stupid.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
😂💯
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…