[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any