[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
where the womens at?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.