Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?