[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
You Might Also Like
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Was it something I said?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
some cats are just doing for fun!
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Oh the world we live in…
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .