3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My dating profile:
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!