3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.