Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming