I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
remember
only for emergencies
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”