3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
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I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Who chose this font
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?