Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…