woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.