2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency