3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
$4 #usedbooks
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.