[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
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I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.