Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
That’s not how days work.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.