4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.