4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Admin smashed it 😂
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry