Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced